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It is what it is

I'm having my usual birthday depression....when I over analyse thinks that happened or didn't happen in the last 365 days and my hopes and wishes I would like to achieve or change during the next 365.

Well, yeah, I don't handle it well.

I almost never think I will have another one, because I'm like I can't imagine myself being a year older than I am now, so probably a car will hit me or some other accident end me.

Well, here by I warn you, I'm not a positive person, more realistic, so the odds to be killed are higher and higher in this modern world political nightmare.

And I'm also not good making long term plans, or distant future plans because life is constantly changing, so the circumstances are changing and my calculations are no longer accurate.

I used to have vague ideas and hopes, but the few I still have all focuses on somehow getting or creating a job that pays,  so I survive another year or like 'What a hell should I do to survive another year?'.

No more plans like travel and happiness.

Life is cruel, and usually takes away the things you care about the most.

I know, I know...these things make you stronger :(

But for what?

Last 2 days as 26y :(

Here we go again.

Another year older, but still not wise enough.

Like, I wasted another year, without any significant improvement.

Other people would say:

• - You finally got your Irish BA College Degree

• - You had your own cottage for 8 months for free

• - You got a 200 euro/week part-time job offer and you had the courage to turn it down,           because you wanted to travel

• - You spent 3 months travelling in Portugal

• - You have been living in SPAIN for 4 months, for God's sake

• - You're enrolled in courses like Webdesign, Web development and TEFL

• - You're learning some Spanish too

But if you would ask me if I'm happy or satisfied??

The answer would be NO.

I enjoy the journey, but almost never the destination, the fact that I settle.

I stayed away from MEN, or they stayed away from me in the whole year, you see it as you wish. I'm worst than a really angry hedgehog, more like an active war zone.

It's actually not completely reduced to MEN, women can threaten my freedom just as easily.

Well it's not really my freedom, more CONTROL over my life.

Doing what I do now, takes away a big chunk of that much needed full control and first of all I never intended to give up that much and second I didn't think I needed to.

Again....naivety. My LOYAL fucking partner.

Galicia, Spain

I have been living in North Spain since April, but the reality have been so far off from my expectations, that I was afraid to share my opinion. You know how much I loved the idea of moving and living in Spain since I was 12. And after a few months in Portugal I was sure Spain would be even better.

But it's not.

Not at all.

I'm heart broken and gutted, people don't really speak English, and even if they do no more than a few words. The bureaucracy is extremely tedious. The place where I live have internet that is painfully slow, I have been trying to use only my mobile data, but they wouldn't let me have an unlimited data plan and my 15 GB with social, chat and video pass is only enough for 2 weeks out of the 4 even when I limit myself to the extreme.

I live a digital and highly internet based life, so this is a huge blow. One that makes me want to run away constantly.

But I can't.

You know, don't have the money.

It should be a positive that the weather is not so hot and there are plenty of rainy and windy days, but it just reminds me too much of Ireland, and what I left behind.

I miss Portugal and specially Albufeira. I never minded there the hot weather, because it was so beautiful and loved all the different beaches. The colour of the sand and how clean it was. Here the sand is just as pale as it was in Ireland and so dirty. I call one of them the place where you go to catch Hep C.

Tbh, the next town has a beautiful beach, but the public transport system is so dreadful, have no idea how to get there, when summer decides to make a come back early July.

I have been trying to keep my spirit up by eating as much watermelon as I can and enjoy all the other tasty fruits like peach, nectarine, apricot, cherry, strawberry and so on. But I'm in danger of having frogs in my stomach because it's always full of water(melon). If you don't understand it, never mind, it's a Hungarian saying.

I'm also getting lonelier....I'm not saying I wan't a man in my life, but a person who speaks good English and have similar interests like I do, would be nice.

As an INTJ I know this will never happen in the way I imagine it, but having small kids in my life as part of my job and adults who are technophobes, makes my expectations pretty low.

I thought I was catching a break and have some grown up time with strangers in a bookshop, where every 2 weeks people meet to speak in English, but I went and nobody else did. Maybe I got the day or the week or the time mixed up.

It just happened only an hour after that I got a message from Vodafone having been rejected to move my number from prepaid to contract and have unlimited data, so I TRULY HATED SPAIN, and some of that just wouldn't go away.

I mean why and how would it?

I really don't know how it feels to live in Hungary, but I'm almost certain it's not as bad anymore than living in North Spain or Spain, maybe I'm naive thinking that the south is better.

So Dawn Espana is feeling only Dawn nowadays, maybe even thinking of loosing the Espana part forever, because it's sure as hell I didn't think my sweetest dream in my existence would turn out to be my worst nightmare one day.

Thank you Spain. 

Portugal spring

After arriving end of January, (8 days in January, the full February, and right now 10 days from March) I'm almost at the 50 days mark in Portugal. I planned to be here 21 :) so I'm doing ok by this statistics.

I'm only ok by the fraction a 24 hours period, worrying about the basics so much.

But when I see beauties like the photos above I get a few minutes of pure eye candy that helps me get through another day.
I'm a notorious orange and lemon flower smeller, that is like heaven for a catholic person.

Nothing much, I have a few moments everyday when I think staying longer is a good idea, then another morning arrives and I'm back hating most of it.

That's me, missing a bit of Ireland, the english speaking people and my desk and chair.
I have been trying to make myself cut together a minute long video of some of the better days I had here in Portugal, but you know, I'm a terrible videomaker.

Goodbye Ireland, Hello Portugal

Started to travel a month ago which was my forever dream so now I'm in Portugal and have been since january.

Right now it's hard to write about all the amazing and happy stuff because feeling a bit sorry for myself, I'm still a sucker making good life decisions for me.

Missing hearing English so much, all day every day is this Portuguese bla-bla-bla and it's just a noise for me. Makes no sense and sounds harsh.

Missing having good and relevant conversations, being part of a group that doesn't exclude me. I hate when people disregard my creativity or creative side, because that means they don't see the full picture or just don't care, either way it sucks.

I bought today a little air drying clay, so tomorrow while I'm still off from work, going to make a little pot so I can plant some basil seeds. I love that plant and its taste.

I have to cook on wednesday for 6, and I have been working so hard in the last few years cooking only for 1, I have no idea how much I'm suppose to make and what am I suppose to make???

Thinking of some simple vanilla flavored apple soup as a summery soup and have no idea for a main dish. I'm clueless if I'm limited to the ingredients in the fridge.

I'm sleeping the smallest bed ever, so narrow I'm surprised I haven't fallen from it and in the attic so I banged my head a few times, in other places too, I'm too tall for some places.

I was in Santiago do Cacem today and it's a small town when you have almost 8 hours to spend there. Definitely didn't wear the shoes that would allow me to walk that much, so mostly sat on benches in different parks and gardens, climbed hills and checked my watch a million time, to see how much time I still have to waste around.

I know that's what tourists do, but I discovered after only a few days here in Portugal I'm terrible being a tourist.

You know my original plan was to move here and start a new chapter in my life, but this country is missing something, because I'm unable to feel homey. Don't get me wrong I love the orange and lemon trees and all this blue sky and sunshine but maybe because I can't do some gardening I feel like a guest and I also hate being a guest.

Don't have control over my life or at least not as much I thought I would have after I took this crazy step and left Ireland, went back to the main continent.

Or maybe I just haven't found my english community to make me feel included.

BUT then I just have to think about the time I was with Chris and realize after all that pain and heartache he caused me I'm much happier and my life is so much better than it was ever with him.

It's all about perspective and sometimes I forget how much my life changed and evolved since he fucked me over. 

New Year but Old Life

Sometimes feels sentimental thinking it's a new year - new life and new opportunities. Why would anything change from one day to another? Last year is still only 5 days behind us, not even a week.

I don't do new year's resolutions, but I decided to change things around, because there's a limit how long you can be afraid to move, to start something completely new. My plan would be new country, new language and new culture. I have a plane ticket and 8 days of accommodation. But that's all.

I have the ball rolling, I will soon have some stuff sent back to my Mom, I bought 2 suitcases for the plane and I have been telling myself, I'm changing and I'm leaving. Yet, constantly questioning myself if it's really a good idea and not just a suicide mission going to a new country without: speaking the language, having an accommodation for a few weeks/months, having a job and knowing anyone there or having some savings to support myself.

It feels like a Russian roulette that I'm excited to play regardless of not having a safety net.

I feel like I might be living my life that way instead of just being around and watch other people evolve.

I found a dream job for me, and I applied and then got an interview, then a test and then nothing in the last 2 weeks. Stupid holidays, I want an answer by now, yet I have to wait for another Monday.....

Training supposed to start in 10 days in another country, but no, I still don't have an answer.

I want to let go this opportunity, but I can't, because I really want it. I believe I would be good at it.

But even if they say I can go to the training, I could afford the plane ticket, after the 2 weeks training they could still say Sorry, we don't want you, you're not good enough. Which would kill me. Just like letting it go.

I'm hoping next week will give me answers and ends still waiting period mode I have been in since February 2017.

Stargazing.....in August

I tried to took a few photos of the meteor shower but only one is really visible and the stars of course are out of focus.....changed tripod between photos and didn't realise it made a difference. Learning curve....

Needs

These days I think a lot about strange needs. Don't think anything dirty, I meant I would love to have a kitten, but that would be a responsibility in the future, and finding a place where a pet is allowed, well that's a nightmare. What would I do with that cat next year?? I already experienced this when C. had a Chinchilla that he left for me to take care, I hated it. So why would a cat any different (other than you can actually touch that cat)? My logical mind says no, but my sentimental one can't stop thinking about it.
Also I have this stupid jam cooking urge, because it's summer and I know even if we aren't talking, my family is busy making jams and pickled vegetables.
I hate marmalades, but have sooooo many lemons and limes, that I looked up a recipe how to make a lemon-lime marmalade and it looks simple. I feel like this confused vegetarian, who has the need to cook some meat, but only want to enjoy the experience and maybe serve that pretty dish, but not eat it.  I'm sure I will be annoyed when I have to find a place to store all those jars.....
Same with apple, 2 apple trees are getting ready and I know one apple a day, keeps the doctor away, but I can't eat all the apples. I'm going to make creamy apple soup tomorrow, and sure a few more apple related dish will follow it, but the bottom line is, I might be making apple-cinnamon jams as well.
Same goes with tomatoes, having 57 tomato plants going to give me a massive headache.
But in the end of the day, that's me, I NEED to grow things, I have to pick up broken plant parts in shops and plant them at home, I had to make elderflower wine, and I will have to collect blackberries soon.
There are moments when I see almost no difference between rural Ireland and rural Hungary....but that's just the little village girl talking.

Ginger

The last 7 days including today had some ginger theme going on....I was chasing a ginger kitten, which was stuck under some metal rubbish, but still too afraid to let me touch it. And now a neighbour for 2 days or 2 nights...who knows with the most gingery hair ever, and no, he's not irish, he's from Denmark.

Of course M. is happy and showing him around, giving him work to do....a notice would of been nice, but well...I don't know how to handle T., earlier when I showed my masterpiece to M., he walked in without hesitation or a simple 'Hey, can I come in too?'. Seriously people, boundaries....

At least no more mushrooms - Stinkhorns, I have to find my non-existing social skills for the next few days, because after T. is gone, K&N are coming. I'm trying to like them, but my world and their world is soooooo different, not to mention our personality.

I had a weak moment, thinking getting a kitten wouldn't be a bad idea, but I won't be home enough to make it work. But if I have to decide between getting a cat or a man, oh boy, the cat would win 100000 times. I still hate men, be younger than 14 or older than 60 no problem, but the others could go to hell. I know it was 16 months ago, but it will take me a few years to trust even in one.

Going back to T., well he's in his late 20s, so my lack of friendliness towards him didn't surprise me.

I enjoyed the F1 qualification today, it's the Hungarian GP, and finally it was a rainy one :). Hoping for a similar race tomorrow.